Separation anxiety is one of the stages in a baby’s development that causes upset for babies and parents alike. In this age of social media and easy access to information, as parents, we’re easily overwhelmed with feelings of guilt.
As a mum, I feel this myself, and as a sleep consultant, I see this often in the parents I work with.
One of the other major contributors to the, “I’m doing something wrong,” sensation is separation anxiety. Those occasions when our little ones start to completely flip their lids whenever mummy’s not around.
The thought process, it would appear, is one of…
Mummy’s not in the room.
Therefore, mummy is somewhere else.
I’d prefer to be there with her.
Make that happen, or mark my words, all hell will break loose!
And this leave us, as parents, to wonder, “am I doing something wrong?”
After all, a well-adjusted child should probably feel reasonably safe when they’re separated from their parents for a little while, shouldn’t they?
I mean, Beth from work says her baby is perfectly content being left with her babysitter, even overnight.
And that one mum in your Facebook group said that her baby will happily play by herself for hours at a time. And actually takes her toys to her room occasionally in order to get a little ‘me’ time.”
Two things to keep in mind.
First, never compare yourself, or your child, to mothers and babies described in the parenting groups on social media.
Much like everything else on Facebook and Instagram, these experiences are almost always conveyed through the rosiest of lenses.
And second, separation anxiety is completely normal, expected, and a sign of a healthy attachment between parent and child.
So what is it, exactly?
Separation anxiety typically starts to occur around 6-8 months of age. Your little one starts to realise that things continue to exist, even when they’re not in sight.
It’s a cognitive milestone known as “object permanence” which is defined as, “the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be observed.”
In other words, out of sight no longer means out of mind.
So as your baby begins to grasp this concept, they realise that if you, their favourite person in the whole world, are not there, you’re elsewhere.
And, hey, wait a minute. If that’s the case, then you might not be coming back.
It’s fascinating when you think about it, but it’s also a little heartbreaking.
This realisation, for a baby, is obviously cause for full blown panic.
The thought of a parent leaving and not returning causes anxiety in most adults I know, so you can hardly expect an infant to take it with great decorum.
Anyway, that’s what happens in your little one’s brain when they suddenly start experiencing separation anxiety every time you leave the room.
It’s normal, it’s natural, and it’s a sign that your little one is learning, and that they have a secure attachment to their parent. Great news!
But, as many of us know, it also means that leaving them with a babysitter or dropping them off at nursery can be an absolute nightmare.
But what we really want to know, or at least what I really wanted to know when it happened with my children, isn’t “what’s causing this?”
What I wanted to know was, “How do I prevent separation anxiety?”
Well, the truth is, you probably wouldn’t want to if you could.
I mean, really, wouldn’t you be just a little devastated if you left your child with a stranger and they were just completely OK with it? “Bye mummy! See you at dinner! Don’t worry about me. You have fun!”
I’m guessing that would actually be significantly more troubling than some tears and howling.
But we obviously want to keep things at a happy medium, and if you’re struggling with a child who’s pitching an absolute fit every time you try to pop out to get some jobs done, or head out for a rare date night, here are a few suggestions to take the edge off until this phase runs its course:
1. Lead by example
Your little one follows your cues, so if you’re not willing to let her out of your sight, they probably, albeit unconsciously, feel like they’re not safe if you’re not in the room.
So designate a room where they can explore a little and play without your direct supervision. It’s a small adjustment, but it has a tremendous effect.
2. Don’t avoid it
Learning about separation and reunion is an important milestone. So don’t just take the path of least resistance and stay with your child 24/7 until they’re seven years old.
Let them know that it’s okay to get upset when you leave and reassure them that you’ll always come back.
If there are some tears around it, that’s alright.
This is an important concept that they need to adjust to.
3. Start slow
Once your little one starts to demonstrate the understanding that they’ll be spending some time with someone besides a parent, make it a short outing.
Don’t plan on dinner and a movie or an overnighter for the first few attempts.
4. Start with someone familiar
Kids typically do better being left with a grandparent or family friend who they’ve already spent some time with. And who they’ve grown to trust a little.
So call in a favour, put some wine in the fridge, and plan to spend at least an hour away from the house for the first few attempts.
5. Stick around for a while
After your babysitter, parent, friend, or whoever is watching your little one arrives, plan to hang around for a half hour or so.
Seeing that this is someone you’re familiar with will reassure your child that they’re “good people” and worthy of their trust.
6. Face the music
Many of us have, at least once, attempted to distract our children and then sneak out the door without saying goodbye.
After all, it’s the goodbye that provokes the reaction, right?
Even if it provokes some tears, it’s important for your child to understand that you’re going to leave sometimes. And also that you’ll be back when you say you will.
7. Establish a routine
Much like bedtime, a solid, predictable goodbye routine helps your little one recognise and accept the situation.
A set number of kisses and hugs, a memorable key phrase, and a clear indication of when you’ll be back. These should be just the right balance of short and reassuring.
8. Speak in terms they’ll understand
Instead of telling them how long you’ll be gone, tell them when you’ll be back as it relates to their routine.
After nap time, before bed, after dinner, before bath time, and so on.
Nothing is going to prevent your child from getting a little bit upset when you leave. And as I said before, thank the stars for that, because if they didn’t, oh, our poor hearts!
But you can definitely keep the upset to a minimum.
Be consistent, supportive and calm. Before long, your child will understand the concept of you leaving and coming back, and will move past this separation anxiety.
If you feel like you need more support in navigating this stage, or any others relating to your baby’s sleep, have a look at the options for working with me.
For more tips to help with your child’s sleep, download my FREE guide, Five steps to a better night’s sleep.